Wednesday, November 18, 2015

How Elitist Is Your Diet?

At some point, the fashion set traded Diet Coke and cigarettes for green juice and boutique fitness classes.  Sayonara Studio 54, helloooo Gotham Gym.  Enter 2016 where the latest luxury is the ability to afford a bankrupting Juice Press habit, and there is social cachet for eating clean.  Where do you rank on the scale of strawberry-PopTarts-as-fruit to raw-vegan-no-bake-energy-bites-as-dessert?



  1. Do you have any of these superfoods in your pantry (spirulina -trick question; it’s supposed to be refrigerated!, flax seeds, chia seeds, matcha powder, goji berries or cacoa nibs)
  2. Do you only eat organic?
  3. Do you exclusively eat locally sourced food?
  4. Do you eat gluten-free despite not being celiac?
  5. Is dairy the devil?  “Unsweetened almond milk matcha latte, please!”
  6. Do you subscribe to Goop?
  7. Do you subsist on $11 jars of Justin’s Organic Almond Butter?
  8. Have you tried a soup cleanse?
  9. Have you spiralized vegetables to make “zoodles” (zucchini noodles for the uninitiated)?
  10. Do you follow any of the following Instagram accounts: thecrunchyradish, nutritionstripped, nourishkitchentable or wellandgoodnyc?
For each answer you responded yes, that’s one point.  For every time you’ve eaten at McDonald’s this past week, subtract five points.

If you scored between one and three, you’re health conscious.  You aspire to take care of yourself and are embarking on the chia pudding, raw oatmeal journey with the hopes of combating that late night slice.  You’re a girl after my own heart.

If you scored between four and six, you’re entering Sakara-lite.  At this point, there’s almost no going back.  You’ve sipped the Kool-Aid -excuse me, ginger infused chia water.  Your bank account has probably taken a dive thanks to your newfound $11 daily Juice Generation acai bowl habit, but you’re feeling great.

If you scored seven or more, you’re a nutritionist on the low.  You’ve probably read Thug Kitchen, Plenty More and Clean Slate, the latest slate of vegetarian cookbooks that promise to “reset your health, detox your body and feel your best.”  Sure, you may have bright eyes and glowing skin, but you’re probably also not much fun to go out to dinner with.  Pass the bacon, please!

Just kidding, eat as much kale as your heart desires.  But in all honesty, let me try to answer Man Repeller's question, When did it become so cool to be healthy?  She proposes accessibility, Instagram or New Yorker's propensity for extremism as the explanation.  But I'm not convinced.

The recent trend to health food has also generated a reverse reaction among those who demand more dairy, more gluten and more sugar.  Take the popularity of "slutty brownies" (yes, that would be a layer of cookie dough, Oreo cookies and brownie batter), the Ainsworth's Mac 'n Cheese Burger or the popular Instagram "dontexpectsalads."  Like Newton said, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

To me, this is unsurprising and strangely reflects our current political climate in which for every Ben Carson, there is a Bernie Sanders.

Moderates, come out, come out wherever you are!
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